Let’s begin by recognizing and validating that we all have differing relationships with the notion of asking for help. Depending on our personalities, gendered upbringings, family dynamics, and cultural context, we all develop varying levels of affinity toward seeking help when we need it. Some of us don’t hesitate for an instant to reach out when we encounter a challenge, while others only see it as a last resort. No matter where you fall on this continuum, for many, the idea of asking for help during a job search can be a matter fraught with tension and anxiety -- but it doesn’t have to be this way! Job searching is hard no matter who you are simply because so many factors are beyond our control. If you agree with this statement, then I would strongly encourage you to give yourself permission to ask for help during your job search when you need it.
During a recent discussion about networking strategy, my client had several questions about how to approach her contacts. She also expressed concerns about them being either unwilling or unable to help her. After a few instances of her sharing her hesitations about asking people for introductions or to pass her resume along, it became clear that the issue was less about their response and more about her internal apprehension about asking for help in the first place.
I paused the conversation and asked, “what comes up for you when you think about asking your friends for help?” She responded, “I feel like I’m bothering them and they might be too busy to help me out.” And there it is. In this specific case, my client was externalizing her feelings about “imposing” on her friends/contacts and projecting them into a negative response to her requests. So herein lies the issue -- sometimes we build our own internal barriers to asking for help that do not accurately reflect the response we will receive from those whom we ask for support.
Asking for help in a job search certainly does feel loaded because seeking employment is a serious issue that has major consequences on peoples’ lives and livelihood. While the requests themselves often aren’t inherently difficult to execute for the person being asked, the underlying implications feel very heavy for the person doing the asking. This said, however heavy making the ask feels to you, it’s ok to ask for help because your contacts have agency in how they respond to your request. Their response is not up to you, so please unburden yourself of those thoughts and ask for what you need.
In speaking further, my client also shared that she felt like she was cheating the system or gaining some sort of unfair advantage by asking contacts at a target company for support. Let’s put the job search aside for a second and consider this question:
Have you ever been at an event or in a room you otherwise wouldn’t have had access to were it not for the friend or contact who helped you gain entry?
I asked my client this very question and we both laughed as the recognition of this reframing clicked -- This is just how life works -- it’s all about WHO you know! The same way we use and benefit from social capital in our personal lives extends to and applies in our professional lives as well. You are doing nothing wrong when you ask an internal contact at a target company for help -- you are in fact playing the game just as it was designed.
4 Reasons Why It’s Ok to Ask for Help in Your Job Search
1. The stats don’t lie & they are in you favor
According to Business Insider, at least ~70%+ of new job openings are never posted, ~80%+ of job seekers find jobs via networking, and referrals comprise ~40% of new hires. These numbers are astonishing and the only way they work is if folks talk to each other to find out about openings within companies and have their candidacy supported by an internal contact. Also, many jobs are landed through 2nd or even 3rd-degree contacts because most of us don’t have friends or ex-colleagues who conveniently happen to work at all of our target companies. You can build the network that you need. It just takes time, effort, and an authentic approach to networking focused on relationship building.
2. No one truly gets a job 100% on their own
No one is an island unto themselves, especially when it comes to the world of work. Even if you are self-employed, without paying customers -- you’re stuck. Whether you have someone look at your resume, ask a friend for an introduction, or have a hiring manager say, “yes,” it’s likely that multiple people will impact any given job search at some point. There are many things in life we can accomplish 100% on our own -- but I don’t believe landing a job is one of them, in the same way it takes two to tango.
3. Everyone you ask for help was once in your shoes
Everybody who is currently employed was once a job seeker just like you are right now. Far be it for them to scoff at you when they either recently needed or in the future will need the exact support you are now asking for. I believe that people are generally good and are willing to help others in need, especially when the ask is made after a genuine attempt to build a relationship (if this is a new contact). Here’s a great example of how to write an outreach message from fellow career coach, Austin Belcak, shared via this LinkedIn post.
4. If you don’t ask, you can’t receive
Help sometimes comes from the most unexpected places. The one place it cannot come from, however, is from the question that was never asked. If the people around you are unaware of your needs, they are likely to go unmet. There should be no shame or stigma around seeking support in a job search, whether from a friend, a career coach, or a new contact.
Job searching is a funny beast. Though it happens just a handful of times throughout a person’s career, no two searches are ever the same because the process itself is ever-evolving. Given that the job search process is a moving target that even career experts must keep pace with, you who don’t eat, sleep, and breathe the job search for a living shouldn’t feel any type of way about asking for help.
I firmly believe that it’s ok to ask for help. Do you? Will You?
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NIIATO@AVENIRCAREERS.COM | CALL/TEXT 917-740-3048