“If you don't believe you are worth it -- why would the person across the table?”
This was part of my comment on a great LinkedIn post shared by my friend and colleague, Nadia De Ala, CPCC, about salary negotiation, and it got me thinking more broadly about the stories we tell ourselves in the career space -- especially during the job search. By definition, job searching is rife with negative messages in the form of silence, outright rejections, & near-misses that progressively wear on our emotions and psyche. We have little control over the external narratives directed at us, but what happens when our internal narratives -- the stories we tell ourselves -- either are or become negative? Where do we go from there and how does that impact our process?
Nadia responded, “It’s true that the first negotiation is with ourselves.” This is where the lightbulb went off for me! The negotiations (or internal dialogue) that we have with ourselves are so critical because they ultimately affect how we show up in the world. The stories we tell ourselves and allow ourselves to believe can heavily influence what we can vs. can’t do (or do well) or will vs. won’t self-advocate for. Depending on who you are, your internal library of stories may have a more negative or positive skew by virtue of your own unique mix of nature, nurture, and professional experiences to date.
Nature and nurture are powerful forces. Depending on the identities that you walk through this world with, your internal stories may potentially be more negative for no other reason than what the world has been telling you. Though our natural temperament and resilience are mediating factors, those of us carrying marginalized identities such as our race, gender, or sexual orientation, will likely have experienced far more negative narratives that we have internalized to varying degrees. When you factor in intersectionality, the effects of these narratives are multiplied. When such narratives become incorporated into our own stories, they can make us feel and/or act smaller or less worthy than we actually are. We begin to question our self-worth -- and if there is one thing a job search is excellent at raising doubts about, it’s our sense of self-worth.
How Negative Stories Impact Your Job Search
Simply put, people hire people, so every interaction counts. It’s so important to be able to show up as your full, authentic self whether you are posting a comment online, having a phone call/video chat, or meeting in person (pandemic excepted). The level of energy and enthusiasm you bring, your ability to be present, and ultimately, the impression you leave with your audience, can all be impacted by your internal stories.
Let’s examine what this might look like in a few key parts of the job search:
Applications: “I don’t think I’m properly qualified to apply for this position.” vs. “I have 70% of the job qualifications and I’m sure I can learn the rest.”
Networking: “My network isn’t strong enough to get me the job I want.” vs. “Who are the best-connected people I know who can help me grow my network?”
Interviewing: “I hope they don’t think I’m underqualified for this role” vs. “I am going to show them how I’m ready to make the leap into this role.”
Negotiation: “I shouldn’t ask for more because I might look greedy.” vs. “I want to be paid my fair market value based on my results and experience.”
Each of these pairs illustrates the opposing sides of the same story. Ask yourself, “Which one do I sound like most often?”
In each of these scenarios, the story you tell yourself can have a significant impact on how you progress -- or don’t -- in your job search. The reason is that the stories you tell yourself can impact the stories you tell to others during your job search. A negative internal narrative could manifest itself in second-guessing yourself out loud when you tell your achievement stories, hesitating to ask for what you truly want or need from a networking contact, or settling for a job or salary that is not worthy of your talents.
One of the most insidious outcomes of negative internal narratives is that even when you can say all the right things about your career platform, there is a lack of conviction that prevents the other person across the table from believing what you say because you don’t fully believe it yourself. This is why such an important part of my work with my clients is helping them to firmly believe in what they have to offer, because I truly believe all my clients are great.
How to Tell Yourself Better Stories
When the sun rises every morning, each day presents a new opportunity to create and tell ourselves new stories about who we are, and what we have to offer. In a separate post, Nadia reminds us that, “negotiations are every single day.” It’s easier said than done, but you can work on revising your stories over time if you commit to the process. Here are two suggestions:
One of the first and most important things you can do is challenge the old & new negative stories. Referring back to the previous section, for every negative story, there is a positive one to counter it. This is a cognitive-behavioral therapy (CBT) technique called cognitive restructuring, in which you intentionally and actively challenge negative thoughts by testing their accuracy and/or replacing them with positive ones. You can write down your most frequently occurring negative stories, and replace them with positive ones. In moments when those negative stories pop up, you can practice squashing them with new ones until the new ones become your baseline narrative.
Together or separately from the strategy above, it’s helpful to look back across the arc of your career and note down as many achievements as you can that you: A) are most proud of and B) you believe played a role in bringing you to where you are today. Performing a retrospective on yourself, outside of resume writing, can be a great way to see how far you’ve come and remind yourself, “oh yeah, I did do these great things!” I’ve seen this every time I help clients rewrite their resumes.
What we tell ourselves and allow ourselves to believe about ourselves holds tremendous power. You can craft the best possible job search strategy, but if you are often losing the initial negotiations with yourself, your execution will suffer.
“I deserve whatever job will hire me.” vs. “I deserve the best job that matches my skills & interests. ”
Which of these last two stories will you believe?
After reading this, I hope you can choose your own adventure and write a new and better ending to your current job search story.
If you would like help telling better stories to yourself & about yourself, I’d love to support you!
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NIIATO@AVENIRCAREERS.COM | CALL/TEXT 917-740-3048